Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Most fashion shows these days…
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late