UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.