Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.