A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
yeah no that’s fair
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Time heals everything 🙂
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.