I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
🙁
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.