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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*