Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”