Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”