Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
You Might Also Like
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
this post was so formative to me
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN