Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment