Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese