Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
the #horror is real!
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.