What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Hot hot hot 🥵
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
is this a threat
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.