Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
hi why am I like this
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
tell em, edith-anne
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume