Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
An odd boast
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire