Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Monday
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
S M O L
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.