I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
This tweet has been deleted
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.