[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
monday
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.