[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.