[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Oh. My. God.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice