*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
You wish you had this many chins.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it