[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My wedding will be open casket.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.