My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.