In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
🏙👨🏼
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit