“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
i really liked this one
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day