cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!