Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.