[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Wait for it
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.