Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
You Might Also Like
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”