Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You better watch out
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?