me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.