“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I’m sure it’s fine.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.