I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.