Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce