3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Do one person every day that scares you.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.