Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
You Might Also Like
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
This is my cat’s medicine.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
This will never not be funny to me.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer