Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
WWE is French for “yes”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*