History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Festive toon…
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.