the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
c’mon!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.