“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
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almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me