doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
HR said no more nunchucks.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know