Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.