My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Never be a pizza!
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look