Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
synchronized noseblowing
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question