Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Every work meeting this week
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!