[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You Might Also Like
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?