A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.