Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.