Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap