“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
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You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones